Curse of the Time Lord
by Linwe Elendil
Summary: 10th Doctor. "I will show you fear in a handful of dust." A series of one-shots. Includes the previously completed story "The Slow Life," which is now chapter one of this fic. Fourth chapter up!
1. Alone

Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who. But I wouldn't mind my own copy of the 10th Doctor... ;-)  
Word of warning: the tense of the text switches a lot in this story, but it's intentional. That's how I believe the Doctor's thoughts work. Past, present, and future all rolled up into one. But I'm only to the second season, so what do I know? :-P

* * *

_The Doctor stares into the fireplace one last time. His mind was racing - the fleeting shadows of what could have been were dancing before him. They taunt him.  
_

_The slow life.  
_

_It never interested him before.  
_

_Before...  
_

_Rose.  
_

Perhaps I've been spending too much time with humans_, he thought. But they were passionate and stubborn and _fascinating_. Of all the species he would meet, they seemed to have the most potential. So many times their world draws in trouble. Like a giant magnet.  
_

_Maybe someone is trying to destroy them.  
_

_Maybe they had the worst luck in the universe.  
_

_Maybe that was how they were going to grow.  
_

_He always found himself pulled to them. Helping. Fixing. But never taking part.  
_

_What is it his Lady calls him?  
_

Lonely angel._  
_

_He's not so sure about the angel bit - though he can see how she'd confused him for one. _I'm too handsome for my own good. Can't help it._  
_

_But, lonely.  
_

_She got that right.  
_

_Until...  
_

**Rose.**_**  
**_

_Rose - that stayed with him even after he changed faces. Rose - that has a knack for getting into trouble, and the odd tendency for helping everyone out of it. Rose - who would have to sacrifice her own father to keep the world turning. _

To bring me back. _  
_

_The last of the Time Lords.  
_

Lonely.

_Surrounded by life, but forever  
_

**Alone.**_**  
**_

_Funny how meeting Madame de Pompadour changes his life.  
_

_Almost as much as he would change hers.  
_

I'll certainly never look at a banana daiquiri the same way again.

* * *

My first Doctor Who fanfic! Did I do all right? Normally I would write narration in regular font and actual thoughts in italics, but there's nothing normal about the Doctor, so I've done it backwards here. :-) Hope it - and the switching between past, present, and future - wasn't too confusing.

I would love reviews, if anyone feels like sharing!


	2. Love

Disclaimer: Still don't own Doctor Who. Still wish I did. Anyone got a Tardis handy, so I can fix that?

This story was previously titled, "The Slow Life". I've changed the title to accommodate possible later work. Whether there will be any or not depends entirely upon David Tennant's performances in seasons three and four, and if my muse inspires.

Thanks to all who read!

* * *

_She's gone!_

She's safe.

_But she's gone!_

_He watched the void close, barely aware of the release of tension on his thin frame. He clung to the magna-clamp, like a man who had nothing left._

_A man who has nothing left to lose._

_The walk to the sealed breach took only moments, but he felt years of his life drain away._

_She had taken them with her._

_He touches the smooth surface. But it is only a barrier, isn't it? Hasn't he reached through time and space to save her before? To have her back? Why can't he do it again? _

Why can't I do it now?

_Leaning his temple along the cold expanse, he did nothing but breathe. Her name is a thought struggling to get through the gap. He sent it to her. Hoping she can hear. But knowing she can't answer._

_She is only human, after all. _

_And for the first time in his long life, he feels it. It's what he's been missing. And it tears him apart. _

_In the weeks that ensue he finds himself consumed by it. By the idea, the thought, the _feeling. _Eventually he's honest with himself. It had been with him for quite some time now. He just couldn't say it. Ever._

_He's tried to warn her. During that business with the Krillitanes he distinctly remembers saying, "I don't age. I regenerate. But humans decay. You wither and you die. Imagine watching that happen to someone you..."_

_Even then._

I couldn't say it.

_But he has to say it._

_Now that it's too late._

_So he brilliantly rips apart a sun._

_For her._

_Always for her._

Anything for her.

_She wouldn't want him to._

_Or would she?_

_She certainly doesn't complain when they're standing face to face on the beach. _

_Bad Wolf Bay. _

_It was always her._

"_Rose Tyler – defender of the earth." He hopes she can see how proud he is of her._

_And how badly he wants to touch her._

_But he holds himself in check._

It wouldn't work, anyway.

"_Here you are… living a life day after day. One adventure I can never have." _

_He doesn't want to upset her, but it slips out. And it makes her start to sob. He doesn't think he can bear it. _

"_I… I love you," she whispers._

_Three simple words. He's seen galaxies and planets beyond human comprehension. He has watched the birth of stars and their deaths. Hundreds of years. Thousands of adventures. And all it takes to change his life are three simple words from her._

"_And I suppose…"_

I have to.

I need to.

"_If it is my last chance to say it…"_

_It will break his heart._

Maybe both of them.

_He knows. _

_But he has to do it._

_It's the last thing he can give her._

"_Rose Tyler – "_

_The familiar confines of the Tardis fade back into view. In the instant that he has, he memorizes her face._

_His Rose._

_Gone._

_Forever._

_Tears ran down his cheeks._

_Standing there, all alone._

_Forever._

_And he still couldn't bring himself to say it._

I love you.

**Love.**

_It was the curse of the Time Lord._

* * *

I almost can't stand how sad this is, and I'm the one who wrote it! I don't know exactly if this fanfic will continue, but I'm leaving it open just in case the muse should inspire.

I love and appreciate any and all reviews!


	3. Death

Disclaimer: Don't own nothin'. Never did.

Episode tag to "Family of Blood." Because David Tennant did some AMAZING acting in that one! Everything you see here was transcribed from his eyes… Seriously. :-P

* * *

_She looked the same. His human memories were foggy, but images of her face were the most clear. The flashes they'd both seen of the life that could have been brought an ache with them. _

_ The one trip that he could never take._

_ The only adventure he could never have. _

_ His sojourn as a human had left one unexpected side effect, however. Being near her kept him grounded. Locked onto this moment in time and space. No pull of the past, no longing for the mysteries of the future. He was just here. Now. With her. He almost didn't hear the turning of the earth. Her heartbeat drowned it out. _

_ Her hair and clothes were the same as usual, but she seemed more severe as she spoke. Her soft edges had hardened. The Doctor couldn't help but feel a sense of guilt. His carelessness had caused that. He hoped she knew how sorry he was._

_ "Where is he? John Smith?"_

_ "He's in here, somewhere." _

Thinking and feeling, but not alive.

_ She nodded. "Like a story. Could you change back?"_

_ "Yes."_

_ "Will you?"_

Oh, the possibilities.

_But he wouldn't lie to her._

_ "No."_

_ He had too much to do. Too much responsibility._

_ "I see. Well, then…" The hope faded from her eyes, leaving them cold. "He was braver than you. In the end. That… ordinary man. You chose to change, but… he chose to die."_

_She made it sound so easy. She didn't understand the pain._

_ He pushed the agonizing memory away._

_ "Come with me," he said simply. _

_ "Sorry?"_

_ "Travel with me."_

_ "As what?"_

_ "My companion." _

_ "But that's not fair. What must I look like to you, Doctor? I must seem so very small." _

_ "No…" When he looked at her, he saw everything John Smith had fallen in love with. The courage. Kindness. Intellect. But he, the Doctor, would never feel for her what John Smith had._

_ Or could he?_

_ For the first time since losing Rose, he began to feel hope seep into his skin like a damp London fog._

_ He couldn't deny that he felt some kind of longing for her. But not romantically. Not now. Though he supposed that could surface, too, if given enough time._

_ But did he want it to?_

_ The pain of losing Rose had brought him to his knees. It had nearly crippled him. His own special brand of hell. He didn't think he could bear it again._

_ For all their frailties, humans were remarkably resilient. They went through so much in their short lives. He was only just beginning to understand. The greatest evidence of all was standing before him. This woman had lost two loves. But she kept to her feet. She kept moving._

_ And she thought she looked small in his eyes._

_ His next words came from deep inside, bursting out before he could stop them. "We could start again. I'd like that. You and me." It was like John was calling for her. He could feel the pull of pure emotion and mentally shrugged, riding the wave. It would certainly be an adventure. "We could try, at least. 'Cause everything that John Smith is and was… I'm capable of that, too."_

_ "I can't." _

_ He was not surprised. Nor was he content with her answer._

_ "Please come with me."_

_ "I can't."_

_"Why not?"_

_ "John Smith is dead. And you _look_ like him."_

Ah..._ She didn't understand._

_ He came closer._

_ She looked away._

_ "But he's here. Inside. If you look in my eyes."_

_ She didn't. _

_ "Answer me this – just one question. That's all. If the Doctor had never visited us… If it… had never chosen this place, on a _whim_…"_

It_. She had called him _"it_._"

_ Pain twisted through him like lightening, burning across his skin. _

_ What must _he _look like to _her?

_ The man who had killed her lover and stolen his face._

_ A monster._

_ Now she looked in his eyes._

_ Now he wished she wouldn't._

_ "... Would anyone here have died?" _

** Death. **

_ It followed him wherever he went._

_ Took everything he loved. _

_ Stamped out any peace he found._

_ Every time._

_ The lump that rose suddenly in his throat stole his speech._

_ "You can go," she whispered, nodding to the door._

_ The pain became unbearable._

_ He turned, and walked slowly away under its weight._

_ He never looked back. _

_ A cold rain beat down on him, soaking through his coat in a matter of moments. But he kept walking. Ignoring the countryside. Not bothering to sidestep the growing puddles that leaked into his trainers. His feet took him back to the Tardis, and he felt more of John Smith die along the way, taking with him the neatly ordered universe. Past and future collided once more in his thoughts._

_ He would wonder where to go next._

_ He dreamt about the life he had lived._

_ He walks alone._

_ For as much as the human side of him wanted to stay with Joan, he knew his only option was to disappear. _

_ Because she asked him to._

_ What else can he do?_

_ She was right. _

_ He is the monster._

_ The last of the Time Lords._

_ And death was always nipping at his heels._

_

* * *

_

I really am beginning to wonder why I can only write angst (for the most part…)!

As always, I'll take any reviews anyone cares to give!

Another chapter is on its way soon…


	4. Life

Disclaimer: Same as usual. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Regarding the beginning, I did the math myself. I know the numbers aren't technically right (because a year is actually something like 365.25 days), but you get the idea at least…

* * *

_One year._

_12 months._

_48 weeks._

_365 days._

_8,760 hours._

_525,600 minutes._

_31,536,000 seconds._

…

…

…

_Of damnation._

…

…

…

_Of hell._

…

…

…

_Of life in a frail body._

_Hearts broken._

_A small patch of grass to call home._

_Spinning in a chair._

_Staring unblinking in the face of utter destruction._

_Body one hundred years too old._

_Soul infinitely older._

_Planning._

_Thinking._

_Working._

_One thought running constantly through his mind over all the others._

_Like the beating of a drum._

_Rose is safe. Rose is safe. Rose is safe._

_Perhaps the Master is not the only one who's mad._

_Perhaps they all were by now._

_How many times in the past year had he wished to die?_

_3,612,702._

Oops. Better make that 3,612,703.

_But he held on._

_Because Martha needed his help._

_And her family._

_And Jack._

_The whole human race._

_As always._

_They needed him._

_As much as he needed them._

_At times it felt like they were leeches – the work necessary to save them drawing out years of his life. He felt the insane urge to laugh as he sat in his small tent. _

_Never before had the metaphor been so apt._

_But never before had the human race been so strong._

_Unlike so many denizens of the universe, they raged against adversity. They thrived in it. Grew from it. And so many people had died that he knew it couldn't be long before they were ready to fight back. _

_His secret weapon. _

_Humanity._

_How brave they were._

_How noble._

_How naive._

_But how capable._

_How strong._

_He just hoped he was ready._

_That_ he_ was strong enough._

_His weakened body made the work more difficult. _

_Channeling his way into the psychic network had taken time._

_365 days, to be exact._

_But the time was coming._

_Just as soon as Martha returned._

_His delicate warrior._

_Coming to save the day._

_He smiled for the first time in months._

_This last year had seemed a curse._

**Life.**

_Surrounded by death. _

_But soon…_

_He would truly live again._

* * *

Not as depressing of an ending this time! Yay!

What did you think?


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